when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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