Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
