I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize