peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
