Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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