Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
