Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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