she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
