I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
