If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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