Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
This is the high leading the old right now
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
