he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
