I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
