You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
