You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
