when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
