He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
