he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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