Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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