hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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