So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
