Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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