No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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