I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
