Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
