He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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