Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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