When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
