i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
