Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
