i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
