1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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