Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
