I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??