dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
