i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
