i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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