just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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