Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
