i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
