How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
