there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Randomize
