I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You made out with two different species that night
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
