When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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