FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
