Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
