I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
