my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
