make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
