Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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