Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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