i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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