wakey wakey hands off snakey
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
