Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Be still, my beating vagina.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
