mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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