she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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