If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
