OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
