ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
