a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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